Integrity

I have lived in my house for almost 20 years.  The house came with a bottom of the line, circa 1977 Hechinger’s bathroom.  The bathtub has been rusting for a over a decade, part of the faucet would come off when turning it off, etc.

Finding myself without any pets and between tenants, it seemed like a good time to renovate.  Last week, in just a day, what was a bathroom, is now a gutted space.  Amazing how quickly something can be rooted out and undone.  It will be taking a lot longer to reconstruct.

What I am finding most challenging is not the physical chaos.  I am used to it as an old house often needs work, and this house needed work (though it was not the kind of fixer-upper that was completely missing floors, electricity, and plumbing).

Rather, what I am wrestling with is my emotional reaction to the idea of having a brand new, beautiful bathroom.  There is a big feeling guilty component to be spending money on something that feels not entirely necessary when so many are in need.  So while the contractor is working on the construction, I am working with a wonderful opportunity to help reconstruct (post deconstructing) my emotional relationship with things.  How do I find balance between honoring those in need, my impact on the planet, maintaining my house, and my enjoyment of beautiful things?  How do I feel at peace with my decisions once they already have been made?  How do I apply discrimination in my aesthetics to assist in this balance?